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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
It be like that sometimes 😆
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
A family that plays together cheats.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.