Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding