I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
This hospital has everything
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
For anyone who needs this today
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.