[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
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me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
#JohnTravolta
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Twitter remains undefeated
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The days of good grammer has went
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.