Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.