shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple