Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
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Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
*limbos away from your hug*
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.