Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Tough love is true love
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Wednesday
Happy Taco Tuesday
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-