I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.