I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
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is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
How did we not see this back then?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?