my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
May have had one breakfast too many
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!