philosophical skeletons be like
You Might Also Like
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep