“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
When libraries troll their patrons.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.