*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
You Might Also Like
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle