In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
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If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined