Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
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My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.