[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
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“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE