Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Found my door mat
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
When you kidnap a writer.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.