I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My daily affirmation
I’m about to risk it all
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen