Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
is this meant to deter me
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake