Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
You Might Also Like
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
It do be feeling this way.
are there any atheist mantises?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks