Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Only a mother’s love …
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
There’s no “us” in nachos.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.