you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
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Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.