When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
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Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”