Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
first you must answer his riddles
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
how long have you had this for?