Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.