Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof