Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
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I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”