I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
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The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.