wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
This kid will have a bright future.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.