Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago