Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The best shot in the history of golf
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’M CRYINGGG