“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
All generalizations are stupid.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter