I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
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Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
i can’t wait that long
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
6. me as a lawyer
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.