Sing it!
You Might Also Like
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I think my mom just blocked me
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.