KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
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Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.