I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
You Might Also Like
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Meow?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
The cashier just checked me out.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About