A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.