Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
How did we not see this back then?
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No