Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Pigeon open mic night.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]