I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
No, YOUR illiterate.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
me before I type out affect or effect
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.