Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life