[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
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Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Every house has this drawer
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.