What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.