[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.