The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
@funTweeters
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep