Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.