I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.