Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-