Skills
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doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The answer is funnier than the question
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
For anyone who needs this today
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Sticker placement is key.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
From my Mom
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.